Are you clingy?

PresidentElla's Thoughts:

I'm definitely clingy. I know this because he just told me I am about an hour ago. Until just now, I've been trying to fight admitting the fact that I want to be all up under my guy as much as possible... but enough of the denial. There have always been particular labels I think a woman tries to avoid in her life: bitch, hoe, prude, crazy, dumb and (seemingly less threatening of these) clingy. I didn't think I was clingy until I admitted to myself that I am most comfortable doing what I love in life, when I have love in my life. I tell you... it's hard to focus when you don't know where your man is. But when you feel supported and loved, there's nothing you can't handle

Right now, I'm watching American Crime and Huge is asleep beside me. (We decided on the name, Huge, a while ago, cuz he's that big in my life. I didn't ask permission to share his photo, because if you recognize him, send me a dm.) He's made me realize is that I can be clingy if I want to be. At this point in my life, I acknowledge the baggage on the floor rather than push it aside. I've learned not only to accept my "flaws", but to surround myself only with those who accept me as I am as well. 

Each relationship is different, but you will always be the same. Some people can handle long distance relationships. I can't. Some people engage in open relationships. I can't. I think that, sometimes, people have different definitions and expectations of relationships. Until we're honest with ourselves, we'll never be in the situation we need to be in. I think this forces people to find company and company isn't always a good thing. I try not to just have people around me to fill space. I'm a cool chick... and I know a lot of people... but I don't hang around much, especially not anymore. At this age, I'd rather cook dinner & watch a movie on his FireStick than go out on most nights. I don't party like some might think I do. Or like some might think I should. I actually like to be in the house, planning to do absolutely nothing but try a new cookie recipe. " I grew up having a few close friends and although those friendships have dissolved, I still crave a small group of confidants. I had to have an honest conversation with Huge about everything in my bags... all of the reasons I can and cannot, so that he could understand. But when we started arguing over time (we split time between his place and mine) I had to do more than talk to him, I knew I had to act.

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I should have gone home hours ago. But the way he just woke up out of his sleep and kissed me is the reason I never want to leave. I feel so guilty when I trip over little shit, but when you're around someone for days in a row... you'll start to see their human side. When we get to a tense point... I try to find something else to do. I try to go home... mostly I go to the grocery store and take my time figuring out dinner. I get a lot of time and stress off by reading. It's really helped me read and recommend lots more books in the books blog portion of this site. (& Maybe reading more love stories has helped lol) More than that, working on this site is one of the things Huge actually compliments me on -- he encourages me to chase my dream (and wear dresses). Most of what I have to share will be from our vacations or date nights... so even when I'm not with him, I'm thinking of him. I also got a little side gig walking dogs with so that, if it's nice out, I can go for a walk and make some money *shrugs* I'm not from here, and he grew up here, so we have different access to "friends". Most importantly is that he realizes that he and I are friends first. We tell each other about our days. We make sure the other is ok. If I called him clingy, it would sound odd, but he likes to be around me as much as I like to be around him -- I'm confident of that. 

"That's why you can't keep a man," has been texted or yelled at me on occasion and it always makes me laugh as I reply, "I don't want to keep a man." It took a hard dose of reality for me to understand the only men who have time to be with you all day are (for the most part) jobless, bums. I found it amazing that this world doesn't seem to believe in stay-at-home moms, but I had a man who thought he should be my stay-at-home dog walker/dish washer. I fought long and hard with myself to not be ruined or jaded... to not lose my hope in men or love. I had to believe that what I want is out there: Loyalty and respect. Because the last guy fucked up so severely, I not going to let my heart go cold and lose my chance at happiness. I want to be happy. I want to be home when my husband comes home from work with dinner and desert. I want him to go to work. And come home from work. I want to, eventually, be there to watch my children grow and learn, not to some nanny do it. I want Huge there, too and if he's not, it should be because he's making sure that I can be there full-time. "I'm semi-down with you being a housewife now," he texted me at lunchtime. "Because I miss you. Because I might leave work early. And you're not gonna be home," he explained and that made me want to fly uptown. I wish I could have been there, too. 

Huge has made me realize that I'm only "clingy" to someone who doesn't want me. I guess...Find someone who wants you to want them? He appreciates that I prefer his company most. I'm not looking to see what party is going on this weekend... I'm looking for him. That's the way I like it, so that's the way it should be for me. There's no bag, shoe or piece of jewelry that can make me stay... but if you love me for real, I'll never leave. 

These are just my thoughts... whatever I was feeling at the time.