Written by PresidentELLA
I thought I would die.
I was sure it was the end of my existence as I knew it. He tore my heart right out from my chest and held it out for me to see. He wanted to me to see that he didn't love me and I was a fool. That I had wasted my time and that I had lost so much of myself that I no longer knew who I was without him. He was air to me. I needed him. Every minute of every waking day because I had never felt so loved. I didn't know that someone could love me so tenderly or that I could immerse myself with such determination to make things right. To make him happy. Until I couldn't anymore.
And we would fight and I would scream and he would leave and I would cry and I couldn't sleep and I could barely breathe. I didn't want to breathe. It was supposed to me and him. Me and him. Me and him. Forever. He promised. He said I was the one. He told me so many things and I believe them all. I believed every word. I would have bet my life that he would never leave me. That, with him, forever would be forever. Until forever walked out the door...
Or rather, I walked out the door because after all the nights of making dinner and breakfast and lunch and cleaning his house and folding his clothes and caring and listening and giving a fuck, the girls he was BBMing off of a phone I had given him and Facebook messaging and Tweeting them from an iPod Touch I had given him... I changed my fucking mind.
Now, who the fuck did he think he was? As if I should gravel at the feet of any man. As if I'm not one of the greatest women to walk the earth. And believe me, he made me doubt it. Men say things. Men do things. And they don't realize what's standing in front of their faces. Example, in response to my saying I deserve to be taken out on dates and for him to spend time with me, he wrote:
"I tried to be nice. but i have to say you need get over your I deserve this shit. Cuz you wont get everything you "deserve". You don't deserve as much as you think you do and neither do i. That's what I have learned and I hope you learn it to." -Excerpt from his stupid email.
Yea fuckin right.
Here's what I learned: FUCK HIM. If he doesn't want you, FUCK HIM. Why chase him? Why try to be with someone who doesn't want you? Obviously he doesn't want you. And if he doesn't want you, then he's too blind to see how great you actually are. Because you are. We all are. We are women. We hold life inside of us. Is there anything greater?
You know how to get over a man? Envelop yourself in that which he lost: You. Prove to yourself that you are a great woman. Write it down. List them out. Read it aloud. Now, does't he look even dumber? The best method? Succeed. Be the woman he wanted you to be. The woman he had no faith that you would become. & then don't let him have you. Listen, I work out 2-3 times a week if I can. I buy pretty panties no body is going to see. You know why? Cuz he would have liked it. & the next man to get me will get the greatest woman there is. All because the last guy fucked up.
Don't let him get you down. Don't get down on yourself and don't let him ruin future opportunities for you. Treat every man like you treated him, so that everyone knows that you're a good woman and he was the one who missed out. You might think this makes you ll open and vulnerable, but so what. If your heart is already broken, what can possibly be done to it now? Me, I'm not even sure I have a heart. The only reason I suppose I do is because they say you need on to breathe.
Last, if you really want to get over him: Never. EVER. Go back to him. Remember, he didn't want you. By going back to a man who doesn't want you (I personally believe) you don't place any worth in yourself. You must not see what you deserve. WOMEN: Never let a man do with you what he pleases unless it's pleasing you. Someone else will scoop you up, I promise. If a man can't see your worth, then, hunny, that ain't the man for you.
I loved him. Sometimes more than I loved myself. I lost myself in him and in what we had. Losing him was the best thing to happen to me. When he left, I got myself back. I have never loved myself more. My strongest advice to you is love yourself and no longer will you need him, or any other man (although "nigga" is the term I prefer) ever again.
So, fuck'em. But don't fuck'em.
& these are my thoughts... how I'm feeling at the time.