I've decided to just go with it.
There's a minute sense of hesitation that comes with every opportunity that makes you question whether or not it's right for you. What we seem to forget is that only way to figure out if it's right or not is to try it. If it doesn't work, don't do it again. If it works, congratu-fuckin-lations.
I've embarked on the most bizarre part of my life ever. There are things I've always wanted to do but I never knew if I could or would. You see, I sing a little bit now. But... I never thought I was pretty enough or... good enough. Now, as I walk into venues I've been booked for, I get, "Wow, pretty," as I walk in and "I like your sound," as I walk out. Who'd have thought? This might sound like bragging to you, but... I never heard myself sing until last... March maybe? I lived on the 11th floor of a a building on 145th in Harlem and I would challenge myself to sing as I walked down the 11 flights of the stairwell (when the elevator was taking too long). The most effective thing I did to help my singing, believe it or not, was pray. I prayed I could just be me. I prayed I could do what I wanted and what I learned was that I had to do everything I wanted to do with love and not consider what other people thought or felt. If what I wanted was to pursue a career as an artist to make me free and happy, then I had to actually be those things. Immediately.
I rhyme, too. But now I'm too pretty for that. It amazes me because I lie a lot less than these other brothers who rhyme and you should see the shine in the eyes of the crowds as they wonder if and when I'm going to fuck up. But... as my favorite bars go, "They looking for my flaws, but I'm tip-top, bitch, I do what I want." Trust me, my curses have never been so beautiful. I've a vulgar little thing. I remember when Eddie, in the third grade, told the teacher I had called him a son-of-a-bitch in the playground. We were playing tag. He was trippin if he thought he would catch me -- and so was Ms. Mellilo. I learned then to do what I do now, smile and keep it moving. I performed with Bobby Stone and various others the other night (Saturday, May 18th) and I realized that I was in there alone. Bobby had invited me, and I had seen him perform with Juicy Stone before, but other than that, it was me, no crew. A little girl from CF in the middle of Brooklyn, makin it do what it do. And I was dope. And I didn't have to dog anybody or threaten any one's life (lol). I could just be me. I went in there and approached it as family. I felt the vibes and can leave it all nameless because... it doesn't really matter, but I show love to everyone. All I want to do is be dope. I love the stage. I love the mic. I love my art. & that's what I was there for. Especially with females who don't like to get along with one another because we want to be "the baddest bitch," it didn't phase me. I wanted to talk shit, I really did... but I loved everyone in there and I didn't need to know them. & frankly, I don't even want to . I just wanna rock the mic.
I suppose people think I'm incapable of holding my own or being the G I was born as because my smile is far too genuine. Thing is, I have nothing to be mad at. I have nothing to fear. I have no questions. I've always told God to speak through me, especially since the days I attended a Quaker high-school. If you know anything of the Friends religious society, you'll know that they hold their "church" in complete silence and are sometimes given prompts to help direct their thoughts on a topic or situation. Anyone in attendance is allowed to speak at anytime, with the idea that God is speaking through that person. I loved that. I loved a lot of things people found odd.
I'm a smart girl from one of the worst school systems in the country. In the 8th grade I decided to guarantee my future and I continue to do so today. I've never been in need of accompaniment. When I was 6, my mother was arrested for making moves to put food on our plates and imprisoned because she chose not to snitch. For two years, I had no family... and when we finally got back together, that didn't change much. Not until recently have I gained a better understanding of family, and now I value that woman for what she's done for me. I'm big on "Family First". At the same rate, I don't need anyone to approve me or back me on anything I do. I'm just fine all by myself.
When I need to do something, I do it without questions. When someone wants me to perform in a show, I show up. When my name is called, I approach the mic by myself. These are the same things that happen when the first of the month comes around and rent is due, as well at when the 15th comes around and my car note plus insurance are automatically deducted from my bank account. I've never been the type to need to bring everyone to the bathroom with me so they can here me piss. You see, no one waits on what you need something, but you will always need things. The only way you can make sure you are covered, is to cover yourself. You can't depend on anyone to stand beside you, instead plant both your feet firmly on the ground and prepare yourself. Every tomato plant needs a stick to hold it up so it can grow correctly. I know that's corny but, the stick never asks for recognition. & that's real. If you don't need the help, don't go out and ask for it. Granted, some people do. But the Apple tree grows on it's own and bears fruit just fine.
The lack of opportunity is also an opportunity in itself. If no one will help you, that's a chance to strengthen yourself. If no one will support you, that's a chance to prove you can do it yourself. The darkest moments in our lives are our opportunities to learn to shine. I've got to be a real person now and say that I feel this very same way about relationships. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and perhaps that's because I'm getting lonely. Truly, though, the alone time I have is time I can use to chase my dreams. Yes, I would love to have someone (loyal, faithful, trustworthy and helpful) by my side, but until then, I have to be everything I need for myself. Not only that, but I have to take advantages and make them into what I want them to be. If I want to excel in my business, I only hold conversations about my business. As a female, I think we get wrapped up in thinking that we have to flirt of be involved in order to get placements in certain places. but if you believe in yourself and your product, you should let the product speak for itself. Eventually, when you get bigger and better, people will realize that it wasn't just a fluke You are are that dope. They'll have no choice but the respect it. Little do they know, though... the stock price has gone up.
Don't wait on anything. If you need something, figure out how to get it. If you feel something, feel that completely. You must act in order to do what you need to do. The outcome, whether positive or negative, will at least provide you learning experience. And be warned, when you do things how you want to do them, people will say you're wrong. They'll tell you that's not the right way because they've never seen it done like that before. You must continue to be yourself. You must chase your dreams with the purest passion you have. Love yourself like you want someone to love you. Love others the way you wish you could be loved and then love yourself more. Be your number one supporter. Cheer yourself on all the way to the finish line. Sometimes we fall. But if you want something, you have to at least try. & so here we are...
I'm also the featured artist for The Potion Collective's Memorial Day BBQ + Showcase on May 27th. It's FREE all day (1:30pm-12a) and there's an open mic from 7:30pm-10pm. I hit the stage at 10pm. I have a 25 minute slot, so come through and enjoy if you're in Brooklyn <3
If ever you question if you should follow my advice, I give you this last piece of advice: Don't believe me? Just watch.
Thank you all for reading. Had to get those emotions off my chest. <3
Bout to blow up! lol