"Why would you do this to me?" I finally got out through the tears. I don't know if I really wanted to know why or that's what you say in movies. "It was done to me," he shrugged back at me, because it really did explain it all: hurt people hurt people. I couldn't understand why he was cheating. Why he was stealing money from me. He said he loved me and aside from all the bullshit, I actually believe he did. He was taking something out on me he didn't have a chance to do to her. Hurt people hurt people.
Sometimes, I think people want to do the worst to you, just so that you can prove you love them. "It's been three months, you were supposed to pay me in a week. I feel like you're taking advantage," I tried to explain. Instead of understanding, I was given more reasons as to why the 1 week loan turned into 3 months; meanwhile, I can't tell the bank any of that shit. We've been friends 12 years, so there's no possible way you can take advantage of me? We've been friends 12 years, so I decided to help. We've been friends 12 years, so I should be fucked paying your bills? The reason I was most hurt by this situation was because I loaned him the money to pay for a bill his partner left him fucked with. I can't pay for someone else's relationship issues. If being a good friend and inherit your stress and debt? Nah fam. That's not friendship. The truth is, trauma is the real bitch in life, not karma.
I've been taken advantage of more than I'd like to admit because I don't want to come off as a bitch. I've stayed in relationships too long because I'm not weak and I'm not a quitter. If my partner or friend needs a bit of extra cash to help pull them up, I want to be able to help; don't want to be robbed, scammed and abused. I'm the type of person to pay you back early, or call you and let you know the payment will be late. I'll practically hide under a rock to save my money and pay someone back. Have you ever seen someone who owes you on social media, spending the money they owe you? Well, I've never been that person. The problem is, you never know who that person is going to be. To be a "good" person, you look passed all those the things the bank asks for (a credit check, downpayment and signature on a contract) because of things like love and friendship... but those things still don't pay the bills.
Life gets expensive when you're trying not to come off as a gold-digger. I don't think it's easier to go out and find "sponsors", but it's not easy to have to budget your life and explain to people that whatever you have extra belongs to you. It's crazy when people see you doing well for yourself and think that you have enough for them, too. In my years living in New York City, with a bullshit salary right after college, I felt overwhelmed with embarrassment when a homeless person would ask me for a dollar and a really didn't have it. My salary and my taxes are all based on a family size of 1. Anyone who doesn't understand that I need everything I have, doesn't respect me and my desires. Why should I work hard to pay your debts if you're not doing the same for me. We all have the same 24 hours. I'm not busting my ass for someone else (that I didn't give birth to) to live good while I struggle.
I'm willing to lose lovers and friends, if and when they become painful or expensive. I've simply worked too hard for anyone to take advantage of me twice. I've been through too much. I have a really big ego and if I feel like I'm being played in the slightest, I call it out. Even if I've let something slide in the past, I'm way too grown for this shit now. From now on, the first time someone plays me, is the very last time. If someone has a problem with me not being able to help them, then we aren't friends. I can't always be there for you, because I have to be here for me. Also, I'm never lending out money or my signature again. People will really take liberties when you've helped them get to a good place. I've gotten into a rough place & tried to call the same people I lent money to and got nothing but voicemail because... I shouldn't be asking?